Most Embarrassing Horror Movie Acting Debut - It’s Scary

There's nothing like a good scary time watching a classic thriller. But sometimes, equal fun can be had laughing your guts out at a remake, an imitation or sequel that inspires a sense of profound, awestruck disbelief. Here, we celebrate five classic horror flicks, and some of their more horribly ridiculous follow-ups.

5. The Classic Scarefest: Psycho (1960)

Anthony Perkins as the original Norman Bates in Psycho. (Copyright Paramount Pictures)

Vince Vaughn gets an eyeful in the Psycho remake. (Copyright Universal Pictures)

Taking a shower would never be the same after the release of Alfred Hitchcock's black and white beauty, the first legitimate "slasher masterpiece." Anthony Perkins' legendary performance as the titular character, the ultra creepy Norman Bates, was one for the ages, and inspired three latter-day, sub-par sequels and a remake. "We all go a little mad sometimes..."? Right, Norm. And keep your dead, decaying mom away from me.

The Not-So-Classic Spawn: Psycho (1998)
Alas, leave it to Hollywood to never let a good thing die. We're not sure what acclaimed filmmaker Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting) was thinking when he decided to make a shot-for-shot remake, but the result was both a headscratcher and an absolutely pointless color cover version of the original. Still, this DVD's great to share with friends, so you can talk about how much better the original is (and every camera shot in it). Plus, it's always fun to yell out, "Hey, isn't that the guy in Old School?" Why, yes, it is...Vince Vaughn ...as Norman Bates...uh, ok.

4. The Classic Scarefest: Jaws (1975)

Technically, Steven Spielberg's hit movie about a killer shark isn't just a horror movie. It's also an adventure yarn, an action movie and an ace character study, featuring superlative efforts from everyone involved, from the screenwriters, editors, composer and actors all the way down to the key grips. At the box office and the beach, Jaws’ legacy is undiminished. As a top tier movie rollercoaster, it still works better than almost any other “blockbuster” that came after it.

The Not-So-Classic Spawn: Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Unfortunately, what came after Jaws were a bunch of crappy sequels. The most laughable (and thus, perhaps, most watchable) is this one, starring none other than esteemed thespian Michael Caine as a character named "Hoagie" who helps long-suffering widow Ellen Brody take on the beast who killed her son, drove her husband to a heart attack, and terrorized her family. If you’re looking for the most absurd Jaws sequel, it’s a close call between this one and Jaws-3D (in which Dennis Quaid collected a paycheck) - but since you can't see the cheesy 3-D effect on the small screen, we highly recommend Caine's "Hoagie" in this Bahamas-set bomber.

3. The Classic Scarefest: The Shining (1980)

"Here's Johnnnnnnny"...indeed. For those of us who were just little tykes when this Haunted Hotel horror classic came out, it took a good half-decade to get over the mere sight of Jack's arched eyebrows. Kids who mutter "redrum," elevators that spew blood, and weird little Bobsy twins who keep popping up onscreen without warning - it's a heady mix for horror fans young and old. Auteur director Stanley Kubrick lays on the atmosphere thick and creepy and never lets up. Never mind the deviances from Stephen King's chilly source novel. You'll be as traumatized as poor tormented co-star Shelley Duvall, and relieved that it's all just a movie...hopefully.

The Not-So-Classic Spawn: House on Haunted Hill (1999)
Some say the whole "gorror" phenomenon started with Saw, but we think the tendency to ply on the old stand-by "shock" sound effects, accompanied by the ultra-gruesome visual effects, started a few years earlier, with films like this. It’s all sound and fury signifying pretty much nothing... except, the all-star call-outs...hey, there's Geoffrey Rush... hey, that's Taye Diggs... oooh, Ali Larter from Heroes. We give this one full props for reveling in its distastefulness. Sometimes, a Big Gulp is just a Big Gulp.

Ellen Burstyn and Max Von Sydow in The Exorcist.
(Copyright Warner Bros. Pictures)

2. The Classic Scarefest: The Exorcist (1973)

There's a reason why the original The Exorcist caused heart problems with some moviegoers, and that's because it's really, truly, literally terrifying. The sight of Linda Blair as a youngster possessed by the devil is a hard thing to stomach, and 30+ years later, there's still something unsettling in even the first opening frames - which director William Friedkin and company apparently augmented with other gruesome imagery. Whatever the technique, it worked. Watch this one without anyone else around at one o’clock in the morning, with the lights off. Then let us know how it went.

The Not-So-Classic Spawn: Stigmata (1999)
Imagine The Exorcist, except with an older lead character, more bloodletting and less genuine scares. Make it unintentionally humorous, add some more bloodletting, and that's Stigmata in a nutshell. Hairdresser Patricia Arquette starts having visions and bleeds from her wrists. When interviewed by Gabriel Byrne's priest, she starts to croak in a masculine voice all too similar to another throaty franchise demon. It's all played out in very serious tones, and Arquette's a good sport. We can't help but snicker, though, when a psychiatrist asks, "Do you have any stress at work?", and she solemnly intones, "I cut hair…"

1. The Classic Scarefest: Halloween (1978)

After Halloween, all horror movies (or at least all slasher icons) are just pretenders. John Carpenter's classic is best (the best of the best in this writer’s opinion) for everything it isn't as much as everything it is. Halloween is not gory, although it maximizes the terror of the violence that is onscreen. Halloween is not full of dumb characters, as the teens are normal kids who talk and act like normal, regular kids. Halloween is just simply a perfect horror movie that builds on its premise of an evil entity, Michael Myers, coming home with an agenda to kill. By the final act, when heroine Jamie Lee Curtis is fighting for her life and protecting the children in her charge, the audience is up and moving right along with her. It's scary as hell, but it's also an invigorating, unforgettable ride -- exactly what a real horror classic should be.

The Not-So-Classic Spawn: Jason X (2001)
And on the absolute other end of the horror spectrum, we have this peach: the tenth installment in a slasher franchise that owes its profits to the template set by Halloween. Looking for a ridiculous plot? How about Jason Vorhees, the hockey masked killer from Crystal Lake, in outer space? No, really. Even better, Jason wakes up on a spaceship in the 25th century and gets a “super-cool” futuristic makeover. Soon, he's up to his old tricks, dispatching teens of the future with a sleek new mask and a lot shinier weaponry than that rusty old machete. Classic horror? Um, no. Big, dumb, stupid scary fun? You betcha.

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